You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
