Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize