nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
There was a lot of him and a little penis
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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