im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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