i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
