dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize