I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
