So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Randomize
