i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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