dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
