ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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