Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
