I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
