I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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