I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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