just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
