I puked a lego.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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