Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
