and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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