just tell him i said nine months
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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