I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I just found puke in my bra..
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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