perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
