How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
