you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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