Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
