I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
