I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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