So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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