Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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