I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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