The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Pińatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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