dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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