I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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