i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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