i just wanna soil my oats bro
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
