So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
