smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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