My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
