my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
