it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
