I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
