I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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