Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
