Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
so let's talk penis.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize