My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
