Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
