i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
MIDGETS
????
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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