How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
