What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
