You're earring is so big in my mouth
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
