Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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