you would pick up someone in the library
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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