Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
