You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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