i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize