I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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