Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
