sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
